Transcribed Telephone Conversation with Bruce C. McWilliams (dad)

THISGUY: Dad, Stewart Denziel is in my office.
DAD: What? Really? Is he short? He's short isn't he.
THISGUY: No, he's about my height.
DAD: Hmm, I was sure he was a little 4'11" short, prick.
*** rant omitted***
DAD: is he in there? Are you looking at him?
THISGUY: Yeah, I'm looking right at him.
DAD: Kick him out and call the police. Call 911. He has no right to be in there. I talked to the sheriff's department. You can call the police.
THISGUY: I don't think I want to do that... do you want to talk to him?
DAD: no, NO, I'd get myself in trouble.
THISGUY: well, you are talking to him.
DAD: WHAT?! You have me on speaker phone?!
THISGUY: no, but you are talking to him. I'm Stewart T. Denziel
THISGUY: April Fools.
DAD: Oh, very funny, so he's not in your office then?
THISGUY: no, he is... I'm him
DAD: ... What? Is he there or isn't he?
THISGUY: He doesn't exist... I'm Stewart Denziel.
DAD: no... okay, but you didn't write those letters.
THISGUY: yeah, I wrote those letters.
DAD: Wait... no, you couldn't have. With the federal building's address? In Ann Arbor? That wasn't you.
THISGUY: Yeah, I swear... Stewart T. Denziel was the CEO of VD Technologies four years ago. I used the same name.
***raucous laughter***
DAD: Brilliant... (more laughter, some wheezy screeching) I was losing my mind, I have to let this sink in... get my bearings back. My life was changed for three weeks. ... I'll call you back later.
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So, as you may be able to tell, my iMovie froze, the only time it's ever frozen in the history of my iMovie... it froze. I didn't get the best call ever on tape. I was able to get some bits of my later call with him and I've posted the highlights in the next post. In our 2+ hour conversation that followed, he detailed all the revenge plots he had dreamed up to take down Mr. Denziel, including a radio campaign, how he contacted the Oakland County Sheriff, wrote a letter to the head of the U.S. Census and was going to send my letters to Rush Limbaugh (which would have happened had I let the joke go even a few more hours). Apparently he has even posted some comments on crazy winger message boards (I'm looking for them now).

He hasn't slept in three days.

On top of the great laughs, and all the "gotcha," this is a wonderful joke because my dad loved it - and I knew that he would. At the end of it all, this prank, his reactions and my ability to predict those reactions proves just how well I know my father, and best friend. Shit, I even surprised myself. When my mom thought it was going a little too far, I knew him well enough to be confident that he would love it and he did.

So here's to my Dad - a brilliant man... and a really, really good sport.

Today, my dad will get news from three people, one at his office, and one at each of the homes he owns that "some guys came around looking for you."

Since the last update, he's gone on a campaign to out Mr. Denziel to the American People, or at least exact some revenge. He's made copies of the letter and distributed it around his office. He's been scouring "the (pronounced thee) Internet" for information (who knew?) and has printed out lengthy documents from Ron Paul's website. Apparently, he's distributed those around his office as well.

He has also considered buying time on a radio station to release an anti-Census radio commercial, requested that I get him in touch with my reporter friends, and he even spoke of posting the Mr. Denziel's phone number in men's rooms with "for a good time call." This last tactic is a favorite of his (I like to call it "Glory-Phoning"); apparently the thought of unwanted calls from horny, gay dudes is the worst fate imaginable.

This morning, I called to check in and see if my reporter-friend called him; what I got was a rather lengthy explanation of Civil Libertarians, the ACLU, "thee" Internet, and the war of 1812. I've used cross-dissolves to show really, really long periods of time passing.

I spoke with my mom today who confirmed that my dad did receive the first letter. Apparently my little ruse is working, and working well. She said that she has "never seen him like this," and that, "he even mentioned going to Mexico under an assumed name."

You thought I was kidding about that fleeing to Mexico part. I wasn't.

Aside from being a prankster, my father is a total weirdo. That is to say, he doesn't just have personality quirks, his personality is regarded a one of the main quirks in our fair state of Michigan (third runner-up quirk in the entire midwest; first that doesn't involve taxidermy). As a part of this, he loathes the Census. He's not usually much of a conspiracy hound; he doesn't wear tinfoil hats to keep the government out of his thoughts, but for whatever reason he refuses to be "counted."

I mean he refuses to be counted. In the past he has given false addresses, pretended  to only speak Spanish, and when the Spanish-speaking census taker arrives he insists that he only speaks some obscure Malaysian dialect (really, he's done this). It should be noted that he is very, very, very whiteguy.

The best April Fool's pranks exhibit the following criteria:

• The prank should be so far out of any discernible reality that anyone except the target would easily identify it as bullshit. This maximizes embarrassment and therefor hilarity.
• It should be designed to only affect the target. To get someone to fall for something this implausible, especially someone like my dad, who despite his eccentricities is quite brilliant, you have to identify a weak spot and use their brains against them. It's like mental Judo. A big ego, overconfidence, or in this case, an irrational obsession, make for delightfully soft underbellies.
• It should be full of clues. I like to give my dad as many hints that it's a crock of shit as I possibly can - hence naming everything in the last joke after STDs. In this one, I've used the exact same name as I did four years ago.

This year, I will convince my dad that the United States Census Bureau has finally had enough, and they want blood.

First, I will send this letter from Stewart T. Denziel (former CEO of VD Technologies, now regional director for the 2010 Census), explaining that they're onto him, and if he doesn't comply to the census this year they will be forced to take "more drastic measures." I use the word "conform" because that should get my dad just worked up enough to disobey them on principle, no matter how serious the threats get. He's not a man to be forced to "conform."

In the coming days before April 1st, I'll send more letters, each one more ominous than the last. I've also enlisted my family to help spread misinformation such as, "some guys came by looking for you today, they said they were from the Census, but I've never seen Census takers that looked like that... they looked more like the FBI."

If I can build the tension just right, I think I can get him to flee to Mexico. Of course, I'll keep the whole thing documented on this Posterous. To answer your question, no, I'm not worried at all that he'll find this website, or the on-switch on his computer.

My father is a prankster. There are times when I think his sole motivation for reproducing was to have ready access to gullible targets; such as in the first grade when he replaced the contents of my thermos with pickle juice, or in the third grade when he had the teacher give us a quiz of his own creation. There were a lot of questions about Wombats.

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Obviously, anyone who knows anything about, well, anything would realize this is totally impossible and/or realize that the entire thing rotates around ailments of your naughtybits.

We sent a faux invoice over to my dad from VD Technologies for a ridiculous amount of money. Included was a letter from me explaining that I knew it was a lot of money, but that the software would allow us to revolutionize the classroom experience with interactive video. We'd send a demo when we had the software up and running.

On April 1st we sent a DVD with this video: