At our office suite there is a shared, one-seater, bathroom that four separate offices share. Today, I took a stand and posted the following.

Pooping is okay. As classic literature has taught us, everybody poops. That said, unlike the target demographic of that lovely book, we are all adults here. As adults it is assumed that we are relatively, if not extremely, experienced poopers. We’ve all done this a few times before. Many of us have pooped tens, hundreds, perhaps even thousands of times. However, over the past months it has become apparent that some gentlemen still require training. The following are some guidelines that should have been picked up somewhere around age four. If you are one of the offenders and you’re under the age of three and/or actually retarded, I apologize for the sass herein. Otherwise, since I do hate to be condescending, screw you for making me talk to you like a baby.

1.    1. No matter how much Tikka Marsala you had for lunch, pooping shouldn’t take you more than five, maybe ten minutes. We all understand that sometimes you need a little extra umph to really blow it out, but once that clock hits double digits you’re just avoiding work. Remember, if you’re in there pooping, someone is waiting. We know you went in there 35 minutes ago. if we didn’t just assume that you would rather sit in the room reserved for actual shit, than return to your shit-life, we’d call an ambulance. Perhaps we should. Are you okay in there?

2.     2. As delightful as enjoying a meal with you may be, there are few folks that want to see the other end of your digestive process. That is to say, please be sure that when you leave the bathroom you haven’t left your shit all over the place. If you had an exceptionally splashy affair, why don’t you lift that seat and wipe off any of your poo-matter that may have jumped up there.

3.     3. This brings us to not being an idiot. Sometimes there are special circumstances involved and as an adult you’ll have to think on your feet. The god of appropriate behavior throws you a curveball and you go off-book. Don’t panic, just follow this simple guideline; don’t be an idiot. On Monday the water was turned off for a few hours and, despite the warning signs, someone left a giant (really, enormous) floater in the toilet. This clear consequence of idiocy was left for someone else (me) to find. Rest assured were I able to identify the gaping butthole from whence it came, I would have promptly flung it all up in his grill. To break it down for the logically impaired, when you leave the bathroom, and there’s still poop in there, you’re not done.

4.     4. You need one, perhaps two, paper towels to dry your hands. Then, when you’re done with those towels, put them in the trashcan. Again, this seems simple – and that’s why I have faith that you can handle it. Wait, actually, only put them in the trashcan if they are poop-less. Don’t put poop in the trashcan (anymore).

If you have any questions regarding the content of this note, or if you’re one of the incriminated parties and you feel that you’ve been wrongly accused and/or misunderstood, please address your concerns to the nearest ham sandwich.

                                  This has been a public service from Quack!Media