Facepage Takeover is fo' Suckas

Yesterday Facepage took over your favorite websites (including my beloved NHL.com) with "like" buttons directly embedded into a page. Obviously, companies lost their minds and started slapping these little things all over everything because, obviously, Social Media is "a necessity" right?

I could go on for hours (and have) about how absurdly overvalued social media is, so I won't bore you with all that truth again.

This time I'm going to keep it simple and just refute the argument that Social Media is a "necessity."

  • Apple Computers just posted their revenue this week and blew away expectations at $13.5 Billion and $3.1 Billion profit.
  • Apple Computers also tops the Brand Loyalty Engagement Index in three categories (mobile phone, laptop and desktop computers).
  • Apple Computers is even ranked by Virtue (a Social Media Management company who wastes the money of a lot of big corporations) twice in the top ten "most social brands." (http://vitrue.com/blog/2010/01/04/the-vitrue-100-top-social-brands-of-2009/)


Apple Computers does not have a Facebook Page, and while I'm sure this lady is nice, I don't think she has anything to do with Steve Jobs.

Class(less) Action

As a Comcast customer, I received a notice in the mail informing me that I may apply to be part of a class suing Comcast for restricting their Peer-to-Peer usage in 2008. The $16 Million settlement (plus $3 Million to Scott + Scott LLP) will be divided among the class in $16 chunks. To be eligible for the class you have to have used Peer-to-Peer services (such as Ares, BitTorrent, eDonkey Gnutella, etc).

Of course, those services are primarily (uh, I mean only) used for sharing (stealing) other people's stuff.

Allow me to translate this:
Because I didn't use my Comcast High-Speed-Internet to steal stuff, I don't get $16.
If you did steal stuff, you get $16.
The lawyers get $3 Million whether you stole stuff or not.
The copyright owners get $0.

I hope you understand, without explanation, why this is ridiculous. Of course, since many of you here on the Internet are literally, or at least technically, children; I will explain.

Let's pretend that the fine line of Craftsman tools from Sears, they had worked in a flaw on the crowbars, large wrenches and various power-saws that would cause them to break or malfunction when they came into contact with human blood effectively limiting your use of the product. That is, limiting your use of the product when it comes to bludgeoning, disemboweling, and/or un-legging someone to death.

Now, the suit is not that Comcast didn't have the right to place these limits, it's that they were not clear about the limits in their advertising and marketing. That is to say, they didn't explicitly say, "we don't guarantee speeds if you do illegal things with our service." I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that Sears doesn't explicitly list all of the things you shouldn't use their tools for, like torture or making human-baby-puppets.

Technically, Comcast should be liable to the copyright holders if they don't limit user's ability to steal stuff.

Sandwich boards: An Open Letter to Ann Arbor City Council

Hello There City Council & Mr. Mayor, 

As a member of the Main Street Area Association I've been receiving emails updating me on the status of sandwich-board-enforcement since last fall. While my business is located on Main Street, we have no need for sandwich boards, so my specific problem with this issue is that I've been receiving updates about sandwich boards since last fall. 

Today I read the request from the DDA that City Council review sandwich board regulations:

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"Whereas, On October 5, 2009 City Council passed Resolution R-09-404 establishing a task force to review the existing City policies associated with sandwich board signs, and to frame recommendations regarding placement, size regulations and fees;

Whereas, On February 16, 2010 City Council reviewed staff recommendations that drew heavily on the work of this Sandwich Board Sign Taskforce, but rejected their recommendations"

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Am I to understand that there is an official Ann Arbor city resolution containing the phrase, "Sandwich board taskforce?" Last October, instead of just saying, "oh, Sandwich boards, cool, fine, next," you formed a task force to examine the delicate issue of cupcake flavors and $2 Latté Day. Then, you ignored the recommendations of your crack-placard-team. 

Really? This is happening? Is this really that big of an issue? The correct answer is, "No Al, It's not, we should move on to more important things like finding money to hire back building inspectors." No one cares about the sandwich boards except the few crazy cat-ladies who complained. They're fine. There are rules to make sure no one gets out of hand and places fifteen of them in the middle of the walk, or writes, "free boners." This is a non-problem; it's a non-problem with a task force. Charles Bronson has task forces; sandwich boards don't.

The time it took you to read this letter is longer than you should spend on this issue.

If this is merely a political show for the people who submitted complaints, please remember that there are far more people, like myself, who quietly listen and would find the whole thing hilarious if it wasn't real.

.... okay, it's still pretty funny. Now stop it.

Concerned, 

Al McWilliams
5th Ward Resident
4th Ward Business Owner.

George Michael brah!

So, you have a rock band named after a song by a band named after a character from Willy Wonka and you're feeling a little less than. Sure, you're playing arenas and making "she said she was 18" sandwiches on the tour bus, but the cool kids keep making fun of you. They say things like, "that's shit," and "god, why did LIVE have to ruin mainstream rock vocals for eternity." (seriously, stop singing like that. LIVE was 15 years ago, can we be done?).

You've got to do something though. You want to go to Coachella and Lollapalooza (which has Don Julio gratis backstage; Lolla hospitality FTW). When you're there, you don't want those Modest Mouse jerks teasing you in the catering tent- with their vegan wraps and ironic mustaches. You're fed up.

What do you do?

You make this video. I figure the conversation went a little like this:

  • "Hey brah, I'm sick of these hipsters thinkin' our music is trite and irrelevant... we gotta get credible."
  • "What does trite mean?"
  • "I don't really know, that bully from Japandroids said it on his blog, I think it means... not awesome."
  • "ohhh damn."
  • "Okay so, we gotta make a video... a killer youtube hit."
  • "What if we like, danced on fitness equipment?"
  • "nahhh, that would never work... what is cool these days?"
  • "Nintendo!"
  • "Yeah... Retro Nintendo... dude, that's super hip."
  • "Oh, Brah, Dude... retro... we can cover a WHAM song... that's Gay and Retro... double cool."
  • "and .. and... The Environment!"
  • "Fuck yesh brah. Dude, and we should totally get all, like, down on rich people and wall street."
  • "What's wall street?"
  • "I think it's like Bourbon Street for Money."
  • "yeahhhhh that sucks!"
  • "Okay, it's settled... Nintendo, Gay, Retro, The Environment, WHAM!, Wall Street = SxSW next year for us brah!"


Chair de Poule

Last week I got a postcard from Paris (the city, not The Mess). 

On the front was an attractive chick on a scooter, who seems to dislike chickens, and the name of a... something. The hand-written note on the back, which reads, "Chair de Poule means goose bumps, now you know," was signed "Casey." Since I do know a Casey who moved to France some years ago, I dug up an old email address and investigated.

As it turns out, this is all part of a marketing campaign for a bar/café in Paris ... France. I, of course, don't live anywhere near Paris, France. I don't even live near Paris, Illinois (real) or Paris, The Moon (fake). So, why would a café in Paris, France send me a post card in Ann Arbor, Michigan?

Interesting huh? Advertise a business that can only generate revenue locally (food, booze, good times) globally? Not only are they advertising globally, but with a micro campaign; only 100 cards were sent out, all hand-written and stamped.
This is a great idea.

First, it should be recognized that Chair de Poule is in a business that's all about swagger. Sure, their eats are different than the café down the rue, and their music might be a little better - but they are selling the same booze, the same drunk, the same good time. They want people to think, "the good time at Chair de Poule is the best good time." A lot of that has to do with the patrons, the staff, the swagger - and that, you can't buy.

When someone is visiting your town, and they ask, "where should I grab a drink," where do you send them? How did that place become the place you recommend? Chances are, they got there by yearsof good work, good food, good music and a loyal following of fun people who enjoy the same type of good time that you do. Alternatively, you used to buy drugs there in college, but I'm not here to judge.

Chair de Poule is the place I'm going to send everyone I know in Paris, or who plans on going there. I'm going to send them to this place like I know what I'm talking about. Of course, I don't. I've never been there; for all I know they only serve Gefilte fish on saltines and their chairs are made of old pudding. The image they've created in my mind with one simple postcard, however, is not that. Instead, it's a place I definitely want to be, where people like me go to get drunk, make out with me, and strangle chickens on a stylish moped (yes, I'm consciously avoiding the word "choke," you're a bunch of children).

They have created an instant reputation. Sure, among a very small group of people who don't live in Paris - but a reputation none-the-less, and reputations spread.

Now, let's talk about how. I'm going to assume that their "open-rate" on this direct mail campaign was 100%. Aside from the great photo on the front, getting postcards from Paris is cool. When I see the post mark from "Le Poste, FRANCE" I read that shit. I also waive it in front of everyone I can find, "look at me, I got a postcard from Paris, what did you get today? A FedEX bill... reeeeeeal cool."

They sent 100 cards out to "cool places" in countries all over the world. They selected bars, restaurants and other joints where they thought, "people like us," hang out. It's so simple, and they don't expect a direct return, but it's a wild idea, and people will talk about it - like I am right now. The simple fact that they tried this, says a lot about the personality of Chair de Poule and that's what this is all about, remember; swagger.

The whole thing cost them about 100EU. I'm not going to convert that for you, assuming you have the Internet.

This campaign is an excellent example of what I call, "why not." I think every company should devote a small bit of their marketing budget to "why not" projects. Think of them as the bleeding edge experiments (extremely cheap experiments). They have goals attached, but not necessarily hard-percentage returns. The value may be in reputation, knowledge, or increasing the chance of a lightning strike - but even if all that comes from them is learning what not to do, it was worth the pittance you spent; bring your lunch for a week and you'll make it back.

Chair du Poule has already gotten a couple of calls from Belgium, one from some folks who thought there was a connection between the postcard and a death in their family. Apparently, their family has a history of being beaten to death by chicken-wielding models (joke stolen from Casey). 

For 100EU this little joint in Paris now has an international reputation, even if it's only among 100 strangers; its' nothing to shake a chicken at.

 

White People Get Pissed: The Moravian PUD

If you want to see some white people lose their cool, try to build something.

The Moravian is a PUD that some dudes want to build in Downtown Ann Arbor. To build it they need altered zoning (the PUD) and have been trying to get City Council approval for about three years now. I won't get into the details, because, well, they're really boring - and this whole argument is simple.

On one side you have block of neighbors who don't want anyone to build a building in their back yard. They'll be the first to say, "no, that's not it, it's really not good for our city!" Right, so where do you live then? Next door? Cool story bro.

On the other side you have a group of developers trying to make a buck. Yep. That's it. They're trying to make a buck. That's all they're trying to do. Sure, they included some green stuff, and some low-income housing, and some greener-stuff, etc. but they're not doing this for our city; they're doing this so they can pay the lease on their over-leveraged, C-Class asses. Don't think I don't know that. So who is right?

Last night I went to the City Council hearing to voice my opinion that they should approve the Moravian, despite the fact that I think the building is terribly ugly, the units are undesirable and I wouldn't be caught dead living in it (see what I did there?).

The bottom line is, it's considerably better than what is there, which is run-down, student-ghetto rentals. That's what the surrounding houses are too. These folks that show up as owners and say, "not in my back yard," are slumlords. They don't want someone building a nice building next to their dumpy "hey, that closet will make a great efficiency" houses; they might have to paint more than once each decade, or face charging less than $1,000/month.

I've lived here for ten years. I've paid $1,000+/month for apartments with beer-stained (I hope) carpet, gas leaks, rats (I hope), and lights that you had to turn on quickly to get them to stay lit. Is the Moravian going to be populated with students and not the young professionals (like me) that the developers claim.... absolutely but who cares? That's who lives there now. Perhaps, if the Moravian ups the anti on quality a bit around here, I can get a sink that drains properly for under $800/mo.

===========

STORY TIME

Recently I was looking for a new apartment and I contacted one of the land lords who owns some rental homes on the same block as the Moravian. I saw this person at the meeting last night with their little, "No Moravian PUD," sign, like some victim of this heinous capitalism. When I went to look at their apartment a few weeks earlier, I misread the address and originally assumed the property was on the other side of Main Street, in the more "regular people" neighborhood. When I found out it wasn't, I visited anyway - just in case. The listing was for a ONE BEDROOM, with hardwood floors for about $900/month. The picture of the house had nice landscaping, and a spacious interior. When I arrived at the home, it looked nothing like the picture, and when the woman saw me there - 29-years-old in a black overcoat and $300 boots, her face went stone cold. She immediately began apologizing, "okay, so, this isn't exactly a one bedroom... I don't know why they call it that, it's more like an efficiency with the kitchen in the middle."

===========

I know why they call it that; because students believe it, and you can charge them $900/month for this broom closet. Three weeks later you get up and oppose the Moravian because it will ruin your quiet neighborhood for some guys who are just out to make a buck? Pardon me, but you can suck it. Now, not only do I support it because ... Dude, why the hell not?! I support it because I want you to lose.

Last night those old, pissed, white people won. They blocked the project with a petition despite a 6-4 vote in favor. You know who is on city council?Pissed, Old, White People.

Well folks, I'm a Pissed Young White People and I was pretty quiet until witnessing your childish behavior surrounding this project, and not unlike when the Japanese woke a sleeping giant in 1942, which you remember from your teen-years, you have no idea what you've gotten yourself into..

Seriously, I thought you were supposed to be the mature ones?

Moravian_jan_2010_b-thumb-537x

"The Holiday"

I'm a bit crotchety for my age; I get it. That said, kids are a bit stupid and lazy for their age, so I'm not about to apologize.

Some years ago last weekend, Jesus did some stuff. Rather, he un-did some stuff, like being dead. Some folks, including 1.2 Billion Catholics, celebrate this in the form of a holiday called Easter. This may sound familiar to you.

On (Good) Friday some friends and I sat enjoying the nice weather and some Sangria on the porch, when a neighbor, baseball hat askew, approached. The following conversation took place. Since I didn't get his name, we'll call this dude, "dude."

=====
Dude: Hey, do you guys have a fine strainer?
Us: A "fine strainer" you mean a colander?
Dude: Uh, I don't know... like a strainer, but with really small holes.
Us: That sounds like a colander; what are you making?
Dude: uh... it's not important I just need a fine strainer.
Us: we might be able to help you get what you need, if you tell us what you're making.
Dude: Well, um... we're celebrating The Holiday
Us: Oh, um... so what are you making?
Dude: (quietly) we're making pot brownies.
***pause***

*** a little longer...***
Us .... Oh wow. You mean Hash Bash. You said, "The Holiday" to a group of strangers, on Easter Weekend, and assumed we would know you meant Hash Bash.
======

April Fool's part 6: APRIL FOOLS!

Transcribed Telephone Conversation with Bruce C. McWilliams (dad)

THISGUY: Dad, Stewart Denziel is in my office.
DAD: What? Really? Is he short? He's short isn't he.
THISGUY: No, he's about my height.
DAD: Hmm, I was sure he was a little 4'11" short, prick.
*** rant omitted***
DAD: is he in there? Are you looking at him?
THISGUY: Yeah, I'm looking right at him.
DAD: Kick him out and call the police. Call 911. He has no right to be in there. I talked to the sheriff's department. You can call the police.
THISGUY: I don't think I want to do that... do you want to talk to him?
DAD: no, NO, I'd get myself in trouble.
THISGUY: well, you are talking to him.
DAD: WHAT?! You have me on speaker phone?!
THISGUY: no, but you are talking to him. I'm Stewart T. Denziel
THISGUY: April Fools.
DAD: Oh, very funny, so he's not in your office then?
THISGUY: no, he is... I'm him
DAD: ... What? Is he there or isn't he?
THISGUY: He doesn't exist... I'm Stewart Denziel.
DAD: no... okay, but you didn't write those letters.
THISGUY: yeah, I wrote those letters.
DAD: Wait... no, you couldn't have. With the federal building's address? In Ann Arbor? That wasn't you.
THISGUY: Yeah, I swear... Stewart T. Denziel was the CEO of VD Technologies four years ago. I used the same name.
***raucous laughter***
DAD: Brilliant... (more laughter, some wheezy screeching) I was losing my mind, I have to let this sink in... get my bearings back. My life was changed for three weeks. ... I'll call you back later.
======

So, as you may be able to tell, my iMovie froze, the only time it's ever frozen in the history of my iMovie... it froze. I didn't get the best call ever on tape. I was able to get some bits of my later call with him and I've posted the highlights in the next post. In our 2+ hour conversation that followed, he detailed all the revenge plots he had dreamed up to take down Mr. Denziel, including a radio campaign, how he contacted the Oakland County Sheriff, wrote a letter to the head of the U.S. Census and was going to send my letters to Rush Limbaugh (which would have happened had I let the joke go even a few more hours). Apparently he has even posted some comments on crazy winger message boards (I'm looking for them now).

He hasn't slept in three days.

On top of the great laughs, and all the "gotcha," this is a wonderful joke because my dad loved it - and I knew that he would. At the end of it all, this prank, his reactions and my ability to predict those reactions proves just how well I know my father, and best friend. Shit, I even surprised myself. When my mom thought it was going a little too far, I knew him well enough to be confident that he would love it and he did.

So here's to my Dad - a brilliant man... and a really, really good sport.